You DON’T Complete Me - Why you need to put yourself first.

Today Elizabeth Edwards lost her long battle with cancer. She was to me a shining example of personal strength and why you need to put yourself first. Her husband screwed up, publicly. Fathered a child with another woman, denied the whole thing and then recanted admitting to both the child and the affair. He acted selfishly and his actions impacted his family and his wife.

We see broken wives everyday, who crumple and fall in the same situation. How many Oprah episodes (or Jerry Springer if that’s your thing) feature the tearful (or chair hurling) wife? How  do I go on without him, they cry. What they’re really saying is “Who am I without him?”

Elizabeth Edwards died today and all I could think was that no matter what he was doing, no matter what drama he imposed, she still had to battle cancer and fight back death. While she loved him deeply I’m sure, she had to step into her obligation to fight her fight no matter what he was doing. Whether he loved her or not… Whether he cheated or not... Whether he lied or not... At the end of the day – indeed at the end of her life – she still had to be Elizabeth Edwards.

That’s a lesson I learned years ago. I was so busy worrying about what my man was doing that I began to neglect myself. I didn’t want him to go anywhere or do anything without me, for fear that if given a little freedom, he might leave forever. What I didn’t realize back then was that no matter what he did I would have to live with myself. If we divorced one day, if he passed away, or if he ran away and joined the circus – I would still be me. If I remained lost in a dance of keeping him “here” I’d lose myself.

I think that’s the thing that strikes women the hardest. We give of ourselves, nurture our families and build a home where we want everyone to feel happy, secure and loved. We build our lives around a man or our kids, but when the relationship ends and the kids grow up and move away, you’re still there. Will you know who you are? Will you be the bitter woman who blames everyone else for her loneliness? Or will you be the woman who loves herself and can be alone without feeling “lonely”?

I’ve learned that you’ve got to be whole. Never mind that “you complete me” drivel, you complete yourself. Be whole on your own. The people in your life are there to share your journey until your paths separate and you have to walk on by yourself. Are you just going to sit pitifully by the side of the road until the next person comes along and hitchhike with them? Don’t do that. It’s a road destined for loneliness and regret. Walk your own path, stop when you’re tired, smell the roses and learn as you go – but never be afraid to walk alone.