Sometimes the lessons we teach are meant for us to learn

My three kids are wonderful. No, really… they are and I love them but sometimes they’re just dense. They’re pretty good in school, don’t get into trouble, nice kids – but they don’t listen. I find that I repeat myself about certain things – over and over and over again and they just ignore me. Some of these are small lessons, true, but some are pretty important to learn now so that they’ll know what to do when they’re all grown up and on their own. This morning I heard myself for the hundredth time. I said, “Why aren’t you getting this? Don’t you know that this little thing can save you from drama and frustration? Once you get this, we can move on!!”

That was it. That’s when I realized that the lesson was mine to learn. In my life there are patterns and repeat mistakes where I fall into the same trap, or face the same issue over and over, like déjà vu all over again. This morning I realized that those moments are the lessons I was meant to learn, and that this morning God was hitting his head against the wall with frustration because I wasn’t getting it. I got it now, like a big “duh”!

I say to my kids all the time, that when I say it the first time, it’s in my normal voice. Over time as I repeat myself, I get louder and louder, because I assume that if you didn’t respond, or do what I asked that you didn’t hear me… So I’m going to find other ways to get through to you. God follows the same logic. He starts with a whisper to your soul, and he gets louder and louder, using other ways to get through to you until one day he practically hits you in the head: Hellooo!! You’re just not getting it and we can’t move on until you do!


Oprah has said it, I’ve felt it in my spirit, and no doubt you have, too. Life teaches you lessons every day. Just get it and move on.

One Snowball at a Time

I sigh.  Alot.  As a direct result of being over analytical, I get frustrated or just plain stuck and I sigh.  While its true that between my family, my home and my job I don't often have time to think; however, given a moment of peace, a quiet lull or an hour under the dryer at the hairdresser -- my contemplative self take over and then... I sigh.

What do I think about that causes so much frustration?  Oh, a bit of everything. Providing for the family with limited means, having limited opportunities to spend quality time with my hubby, paying the bills, the overdue oil change, the missing shingles on the roof, my middle that jiggles, my job, my clients and so on, and so on.  Is it any wonder why I sigh all the time?  Its overwhelming to think of the mountain of responsibilities and the shortage of time and resources to address it all.

Its not that so much is wrong per se, but there's so much to do and none of it is simple.  Its a mountain of things to do that is my life and as such it begs the question:  What does it actually take to change your life?

A new look can be achieved by going shopping.  A new job can take care of maybe money, health insurance and provide a semblance of security.  Weeks of dieting or months or working out can change your body and your health... or a plastic surgeon can give you similar results with the added benefit of instant gratification.  Therein lies the problem.  I want it all and right now, please.

Maybe I watched too much I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched as a kid and I am applying the expectation that changing your life can come with a blink or a twitch and a really cheesy sound effect.  I should know better.

More than 10 years ago I quit smoking.  That was not easy.  Going in I knew that 16 years of smoking wouldn't go away instantly, and I would have to work at it, which I did.  I tried everything:  the gum (yuck), the patches and drinking lots of water (and then Entenmann's Rich Frosted Donuts, but that's another story).  Ultimately, it was the one cigarette, one day at a time approach that worked.  I had to fight each urge to smoke and decide not to - one at a time.

I guess that how I should approach changing my life - one bit at a time.  Concentrating on everything means concentrating on nothing - which has not been successful thus far.  I just spin my wheels and go nowhere.  Concentrate instead on one item and work at it a little everyday -- making the consistent effort to focus on one thing until its resolved before tackling the next.  Kind of like the debt snowball...

If you've never heard of it, the debt snowball method of paying off your debts requires that you pay down one credit card and when its paid off, you apply those funds to the next credit card and so on until the snowball wipes out all your debt.  The key is to start with the smallest bill first, the one that will encourage you to go on.

I suppose changing your life can follow the same principle:  start with the area that will yield the greatest result and let it encourage you to go on.  Then watch it snowball, one day at a time.

My Friend Linda Died

I found out yesterday that my friend Linda died.   We worked together a long time ago, before I had kids, and before I got married.  She's been my friend for over 20 years.

I call her my friend and I always will, but in my heart I know that I took my friend for granted.  I hadn't seen her in years but through voicemail, email and facebook, we connected often enough to stay connected I thought.

She called me at work one hectic day this past winter.  She was in the hospital she said, but she made it sound like no big deal.  From winter to spring, bogged down in my own life I thought of her often.  "I've got to call Linda", I would say but I never got around to it.

Finally, yesterday I took a minute to look her up on Facebook.  There I saw the posts from her other friends uniting to say how much they missed her now that she was in heaven.  There was a video posted, songs, and prayers but there is no more Linda.

I carried on at work yesterday stoically, quietly looking forward to a moment to be alone with my thoughts, my mourning and my regret.  Finally as I laid my head down to rest on my pillow last night the tears flooded my heart and all I could say was "I'm sorry, Linda."

When the tears subsided I thought then of all my other friends whom I haven't seen in years.  Obligations, state lines, oceans and time keep us apart, we all know that.  But is the love I have for them in my heart enough to continue to claim them as my friends?  Do they feel neglected?  Do they still count me on their "friend" list?

Linda and I would leave crazy voicemails on each other's phones.  She would say "CHELLE!!!!" and I would say "Lindaaaaaaaah!!".  She would ask about my husband and kids and I owuld ask about her cat and her travels.  (Her cat was HUGE and she traveled quite extensively, Europe and the Caribbean - pretty cool.)  Then a few months later I would get another "CHELLE!!!!" and we'd connect again.

One could say that it was enough.  One could say that we each knew where the other was and that no matter how much time had passed, that we could always pick up where we left off in the same old groove like peas and carrots, as Forrest Gump might say.  However true that might be, I know that friendship should be more.

I heard someone say that friends are like the family members you get to choose.  People you invite into your life and welcome them to stay.  You're there for each other and eventually they are a part of your whole life, not just a piece of it.  Linda and I connected on every major event, but still my friend Linda died and I found out on Facebook.

I have a list of friends and family members for that matter - that I haven't seen in years (you know who you are - wink-wink).  Know this:  I love you and you'll be hearing from me.

What about tomorrow?

There was an acute awareness of time passing by today.  As we went about our lives, doing the things we do on Saturdays -- at the mall, the beauty salon, and the barbershop, whether we admit it or not, there was a palpable question lingering in the air.  As time ticked by you may have wondered to yourself what the future held for you -- today.

We all know we've got to go sometime, but no one knows when.  Yet, the idea propagated by one man that the end was near may have instilled a permanent question mark over your head, like the quizzical bubble over your favorite comic book character's head.  What if?

I was reminded of the days after September 11th.  In those dark days in New York especially, everyone was just a bit kinder, more compassionate.  The reality of just how close many of us came to the end of our days was enough to change our views, our directions and our philosophies.  Faced with the tragic reality of the day, all of us recognized the value of our lives, of each day, of our loved ones, and of our faith that given this miraculous second chance that we'd live the rest of our lives to the fullest.

Today may have held a similar value for you.  While we may have dismissed the idea that the end was near with a certain sardonic skepticism, we may also have wondered, deep down in our hearts whether tomorrow would come.  We laughed about what would happen or not happen at 6PM, but you may have noticed as I did that the laughter seemed just a bit forced.  Did you wonder as I did, where you would be, or where you should be?  Did you change your activities at all?  Did you silently glance at the clock more often that you normally would on a sunny, Saturday afternoon?

I don't know about you, but I took today as a blessing.  A sweet reminder that you can only live your life one moment at a time, one day at a time. September 11 was a wake up call - an event that we lived through to remind us of the sweetness of tomorrow.   So make your tomorrow count.  :-)

Don’t Let Anyone Steal Your Joy

Some people just like pushing buttons. Remember those toys you played with as a baby? You press this button and Mickey Mouse pops up, press that one and Donald Duck pops up. Eventually the child learns how to get Mickey or Donald to pop up whenever they want. Now fast forward a few years… Let’s say you’re at work… Someone has been reading you and studying how to get the response they want from you. If they want you to be happy, press this button… and if they want you to jump off the ledge, its that one. Those are the button pushers that get a sadistic thrill from seeing you out there on the ledge. Remember near the end of “The Devil Wears Prada”? All she had to say was “Do I smell freesias?” and the poor girl started stammering.

These are the people who want to tick you off, instill fear and hopelessness in your heart. Recent news stories will help you identify that kind of behavior as bullying -- which is unacceptable in any setting. It robs you of your happiness and can turn even the most confident person into a stammering fool.

Stop stammering. It doesn’t make sense to put up with negative behavior in your life. Just because some knucklehead didn’t get enough love in their childhood, or feels inadequate or insecure in themselves, it doesn’t give them the entre’ to spread the drama. We all know that’s where the negativity comes from – misery loves company and those miserable folks love to spread it around.

Well, guess what? It’s spring. It’s time for renewal of the earth and of the spirit. Let’s start by shaking off the negative energy and flipping the script. So if someone is pushing your buttons switch it up and change your response. Stand up – in your own way of course (and preferably a way that won’t get you jailed or fired) and represent.

Take back your power, and take back your joy.

The Pied Piper of Freeport - Zumba Classes Heat up the South Shore

This little bundle of energy enters the room, all smiles and hellos. She is dressed in a black tank, black cargo pants and sneakers. She is Lilly Leon, or as I call her, the Pied Piper of Freeport. As she enters, the speakers boom with swaying Latin rhythms. Lilly starts moving and the group falls in line, like obedient mice following her lead. The Zumba class has begun.


If Zumba is new to you, allow me to make the introductions. Zumba is a hot dance/exercise class, combining salsa, merengue, samba and just a touch of hip-hop flavor. The class itself is a combination of flavors, as everyone joins in the fun and sweats like crazy for one hour of Latin beats. Look around tonight’s class and you’ll find mostly women, a few brave men, trained dancers, gymnasts, 30-somethings, 40-somethings and beyond; those who get the beat and those who live in a rhythm-less nation. It doesn’t matter, we’re all here every Tuesday night and loving it.

Admittedly, I was more than a little scared to start out. I am your average 40-something wife and mother of three who has put on a few pounds over the years. I didn’t want to embarrass myself dancing around like an uncoordinated fool struggling to keep up. A few minutes into the class, I realized I would be ok. There are maybe 100 of us in each class, lined up in rows and Lilly moves around the room so that we can all have her in our line of sight and follow along. She keeps the choreography pretty simple and basic – the kind that we can all follow. In tonight’s class of maybe 100 people, you kind of forget about everybody else and have fun, like when you’re alone in your house with just your favorite radio station for company.

What about the exercise part, you may ask… The class is set up in sets and after each set you get a little break – just long enough to take a sip of water and dab yourself with a towel before the music starts again. The hour-long class consists of maybe six sets of around 5-8 minutes each, taking you through an eclectic menu of Latin and Caribbean tempos. I’ll admit the first two classes were hard work and I didn’t think I’d last the whole hour. (Keep in mind that Zumba is, after all, aerobic exercise. This is not easy for a recovering couch potato, like me.) However, as I looked around I noticed that everyone was working within his or her own limit. Recognizing my own limits, I decided to concentrate on building enough stamina to get through the class. Once I build up my stamina, I can concentrate a little more working more of my muscles and perfecting my form to get that toned look. So for now I just do what I can, which is probably good advice for anyone starting a new exercise program. “Do what you can until you can do more” became my motto. In the end however, it is Lilly’s energy and the music party atmosphere that keeps me going.

Why Zumba? I realized it was time to get my butt off the couch and get my blood pumping again. It was either Zumba, a gym membership I’d never use, or a personal trainer I couldn’t afford. Tough decision, but Zumba classes seemed like a great compromise. Dancing one night a week for 8 weeks was less than $100 and proved to be a worthy investment and welcome escape. Where else can I go out dancing without having to dress up? Where else can I listen to the kind of music I like without my teenagers changing the station? For me, it's Zumba.

-------------------------------------------------
For more information about Lilly Leon’s Zumba classes, visit http://lamystika.com/Zumba.html or send her an email at lillylamystika@yahoo.com

Social Media or Digital Schizophrenia: Dooce, The Stripper and LinkedIn

Heather Armstrong vented about her boss on her blog and got fired. She was totally within her right to exercise freedom of expression, but still she was fired for exercising that freedom in a digital form. (The irony: she may have been right about her boss, otherwise she might still be employed.)

How about the NYC public school teacher who recently blogged about her experience as a prostitute before she became an elementary school teacher? Mayor Bloomberg himself yanked her out of the classroom.

Take LinkedIn… if you are linked to your boss you may be limited in the amount of open digital networking you can do. Worse yet, human resource professionals regularly scout their employees LinkedIn pages. While the scouting may be innocent, can frequent updates to your profile trigger a call from HR with a pink slip? What if your boss or HR team Googles you – what will they find? Do you really want your HR exec following you on Twitter?

What I really don’t like is when companies go gung-ho about social media and insist that you identify yourself with the company digitally. Think about it… Is your current job your “identity”? Nothing is forever, right? If you should ever leave the company, can you de-twitter, un-link and dis-like your company? Probably not as easy as hitting the delete button, I suspect.

In a recent Wall Street Journal article the author explained the need for a positive electronic identity - an alter-ego, an elecronic Clark Kent for whom no mardi-gras, or jello shots videos exist. Creating a digital dossier that presents you in a positive light is fine for most of us – especially when you’re looking for a job and you need to convey a professional image. But I maintain that its virtually impossible to keep Superman separate from Clark Kent.  Even the best superhero struggles to keep the two worlds separate (well, maybe except for Tony Stark, but he's different.) 

In real life, its just not that easy.  For example, let's say your latest Facebook post announces that you’re currently shopping your screenplay to Hollywood movie studios and you have a deal pending. That seems like an innocent post, but your current employer could take that as a signal that you’ll be leaving soon, or as an explanation for your extension’s recent increase in phone calls to the coast.

Clearly, I have a problem with the whole digital thing. I just can’t figure out how you can be your whole, authentic self online unless you are self-employed, independently wealthy or otherwise financially secure. But then again if you are wholly authentic, self-employed, independently wealthy and otherwise financially secure, should you really be posting your life’s details online?

As my Mom said when she found (and read) my diary when I was 14, don’t put anything in writing that you wouldn’t want anyone else to read.

Find Your Happy Place

How often is the well being of your spirit directed by external forces?  When something goes right, you're on cloud 9.  When something goes wrong you're in the depths of despair.  Why are you giving your joy away and letting your life and happiness be determined by the actions of other people? This is the surest path to depression and anxiety.  Regardless of the circumstance, the drama, the highs or the lows, stay the course, hold steady and do what you can to stay centered and grounded.

Find your happy place.  If you haven't been there lately, let me describe it for you.  Its that place where you know that you'll be ok no matter what life brings you.  Its where your heart is filled with faith that whether they love you or love you not, your internal happiness will survive.  Your mind doesn't race with worry when a door closes because you know a window will open.  Your body is filled with positive energy even when those around you predict gloom and doom.  Your happy place is the core of your being, the joyful spirit inside you where no one dwells except you and your God.

Take back your spirit and find the place in your heart where joy dwells.  Once you find it, move in.

Happy New Year!